NAPPILY EVER AFTER

“I have always cared about what people thought of me”.

• -        What would people say?
• -        What would people think?
• -        What if they don’t like it?

Full of insecurities, wanting to be perfect all the time. I feared criticism, I never liked change, I didn’t like to present myself as weak, and I always had to look faultless. I lied to myself so much that I started believing my own lies. Pretending to be this independent, have it all, spoiled, and classy young lady who had so much to offer yet, could not support myself, much less afford to be independent. I admired hard-core movie villains so much that I started believing I was one; heartless, unemotional, hardcore woman who had nothing to lose, much less gain from other beings. I was playing such an amazing character and forgot it was my life (reality) and not fantasy movies that I watch. I blamed everybody but me. I looked to everyone I knew for everything I ever wanted and needed, with thoughts that it was my right and that they were responsible for me. I expected so much of people because I believed I should get it from someone, I held people with a lot of responsibilities because I felt I was their responsibility but could never be accountable for my own responsibilities, let alone be responsible for me. Poverty was starring right at me but I would convince myself “I’m only a child, it is not my responsibility”. I would wish every day, ‘day and night’, that I was wealthy, lived in a wealthy family or married to a wealthy family so I wouldn’t have to lift a finger and enjoy all the luxuries they had to offer. I was basically living in denial all my life.  

Nappily Ever After

I was really good at bragging. Always playing victim to circumstances, blaming others in situations I find myself, presenting a wrong image of me and sending out wrong signals.

I may have painted a lot of wrong images of myself to a lot of people because I was trying too hard to be liked by everyone. 

As much as I told people I didn’t care what they thought of me, ‘I did’. I could never fully explore life in general because I was scared. 

I would compare myself with other people; look down on many thinking I was better than them (deadly disease). Fear crippled me and my dreams, listening to people tell me “you will never do it, in your dreams, keep wishing, life is hard” I got scared of going after what I truly wanted, I lost focus of that dream girl, that was so hyped about life and wanted to do and achieve so much, and focused on being perfect, taking pictures with beautiful backgrounds so people will think my life is great. I would tell people I have a job when I am jobless as any inexperienced graduate can be. I focused on taking pictures that the only thing I could think of was photo-shoots so that I update my social media accounts when in reality I was jobless, broke and unhappy.

 

I have come to realize that people don’t really care what you do with your life. Yes, they will talk; but I mean, people always talk, whether you do good or bad deeds, they will talk. It is their right after all, that’s why even the constitution speaks of freedom of expression. But, why worry or care about what they say? It is only their opinion, if you know that and understand it, then let it be just that “their opinion” not yours and therefore should not dictate your life and how you live it.

THREE QUESTIONS THAT CHANGED MY PERSPECTIVE

•            If I was not scared, what would I do?
•            If I were dying, would I worry about this?
•            Should I be focused on today or tomorrow?

Jack Ma said: “if you put Bananas and money in front of Monkeys, Monkeys will choose Bananas, because Monkeys do not know that money can buy a lot of Bananas. In reality, if you put money and health in front of people, people tend to choose money because too many people do not know that health can bring more money and happiness”. The ball is in your court, make a wise choice.

I have decided to express myself in this note. I am allowing myself to feel and let go. I can no longer deprive myself of happiness, peace and tranquility just to be a people pleaser. “Perfect girl, I let you go… You are free; free to feel weak, free to feel vulnerable, free to get messy, free to be you, and most importantly free to live for greatness”! There is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so. I will no longer stand in your way to shine, to be the best version of yourself. Fly, fly, fly little miss imperfect, go on and live your life, explore! Travel! Fall in love! Cut your hair! Read books! Drink wine! Exercise! OR NOT! WHO CARES? It is your life.

And she lived Natural, and Happy (Nappily) Ever After… Owning it! (Smile)

With Love,

Living Human Being To GreatnessNappily Ever After